The Vampire
His heart throbs, his stomach aches
His eyes a cold dead gray
His face so pale you see right through
He emerges in silence
Lurking in the shadows stalking you
Always watching always near
For you are his victim, his food, his prey.
There is no escape.
Your destiny is unknown. He may take your life or give you eternal.
He is an immortal, damned by life.
He’ll live forever feeding on the innocent.
Rest in the day, hunt in the night.
Day after day the same routine:
Sleep, feed, and dream of being a mere mortal yet again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is too short for my tastes and quite cliche. Try to make your poem longer, more meaningfull, and more unique. There is lots of potential in it though, and I'm sure you can make it much better.
(Forgive me...I'm not so great at this review business.)
I enjoyed your poem. My favorite part was:
Very creepy! I actually got a few chills when I read that. I'm used to reading about good vampires (Twilight series!), so it's a bit scary to read about the more typical, evil vampires.
The one thing I would change is this:
The repetition of the word "life" is a bit awkward. It just makes those two lines not flow as smoothly as they could.
i'm afraid i have to agree with kioneslayer
it lacks emphisis
it's a wonderful piece of work though, i enjoyed reading it
nice poem te
but the only problem is that the vampire is now too much like a streotype
he has no life he has no felling that sort of thing
overwise very good
keep up the good work
Conor
Basically, this was rather weak. It's flat. What is there to this that makes it special? What's to distinguish it from the ten million other stories and poems about vampires out there?
This is a list of ideas about vampires, and they're all very well known ones. Grey - pale - lurking in the shadows - hiding in the trash can, waiting to jump out and make you scream. Red and black, slimy green.
However, the last line showed promise:
That bit was good.
I'm not trying to be harsh, and please don't get crushed. As ole Ben Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." At least, I think it was Franklin.
I agree it should have been longer and have something that other people wouldn't put down. But i liked it.
Deary, I love vampires, honestly I do. So i thought I'd fall in love with this piece, but I didn't.
Use your own beliefs about the vampire and put more....'Oomph' into the work. Use similies to make the reader think of a mental image. I didn't at all for this. I was a zombie because it was dreadful when it came to images.
I'm not very good at giving reviews... but I wish this poem was a bit longer, still an excellent piece of work though!
arch angel ---
Please don't submit more than one story per day, okay? People get annoyed when the forums are all clogged with your work. Although I am quite envious of the number of reviews that your work is getting.
The same goes for this as for 'My Hearts Home'. You have some okay imagery here but nothing interesting, I'm sorry to say. You need metaphors.
Also, this is a rather cliched theme. Vampires are so overused and abused these days by Fantasy and Romance writers...*shakes head wisely*. xD
This suffers from the same problem as your other work. What does this do for the reader? It doesn't make me feel afraid - actually, it didn't make me feel anything at all. Consider what you want your reader's reaction to be before you post, and your work will be much better.
Happy Editing,
Camille